Dear Office Chair,

I remember the day I first laid eyes on you. It was like we were made for each other. My two ass cheeks coming together, and your synthetic fibers, cushioning the blow as I took my first seat.

You’ve had my back from the beginning - even though I didn’t choose you. You were assigned to me on the first day and frankly i wasn’t too sure about you. You were a little nervous at first, as I stepped foot into the office. Despite your feebleness, you knew just how to support me and lift me up, just like my first middle school training bra.

Remember all the laughs we had?? Especially when we found out my d*ck boss was the one farting all day long? I can’t believe you found his office chair’s twitter handle. Man we would read that sh*t all day. Poor guy definately had some sort of digestive problem.

But those were the good old days, back when you supported me all those late nights alternating between PBR and that afternoon’s coffee reheated in the microwave. Remember how you used to make me sit so tall and straight, keeping me awake?

Now you fade before I do, slowly lowering down throughout the day, your cushion long since deflated. You’ve really let yourself go since the first day my delicate buns graced your seat.

Even your fabric is faded: the pen marks, coffee stains, even yesterday’s lunch rubbed into the sleeves of your armrest and seat cushion. Have some respect, man!

Lately you have been acting as bad as that evil ejaculation chair - I mean ejection chair. that looks like an S&M movie gone bad.


You always wanted me out, I knew it. Now you don’t even try to hide it, deflating as soon as I sit, numbing my poor little ass cheeks by noon and screeching so loud whenever I turn that I can’t concentrate on anything. It’s as if you don’t want me around.


You know what...I want you anymore either, and honestly, I’ve always hated the way you swivel. It’s not nearly as smooth as other office chairs. And your upholstery? Let’s face it, it’s SO second-hand early stage - not the hyper cooling, ultra soft fabrics of more seasoned startup offices. Also, I hate the way you never washed out your stupid coffee stains - no it doesn’t look cool or hipster like you thought - it just makes you look like a slob.


I found another chair. Yeah, that’s right. A chair that is more perky, a chair that helped me bounce back from the doldrums of your flattened existence.

Meet the Balance Ball Chair. It lured me in with its’ online profile, claiming it was the new “Active Sitting Solution”. You haven’t hear of it? Really? Everyone I know is jumping on the balls train. My coworker Karen said it make my ass look spectacular.


It’s just ergonomic in all the right places and all the right ways. It’s the G-spot for the office. And honestly, I’m just ready to get the Wellness ball rolling. So disassemble yourself, and get out. You’re fired.


My pancake butt

P.S. You were always too clingy anyways.